BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

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My Three Daughters

My Three Daughters

There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was all right. One night when he was doing his stroll, he could hear laughter coming from his youngest daughter`s room. He stood there for a while and thought about this, but reached the conclusion that he could always ask her tomorrow, instead of bothering her at this time of the night. When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying. He thought about this too, but ultimately he decided to ask her tomorrow and continued. There were no sounds at all coming from his oldest daughter`s room, and he then went to bed, satisfied. The next day, when they all were gathered around the breakfast table, he said to his youngest daughter, "I heard you laughing last night, as I walked past your window. Why was that?" She answered, "That`s because you taught me to laugh when someone was making me happy." He then asked his second daughter, "I heard you crying last night, why was that?" She answered "That`s because you taught me to cry when someone was hurting me." He then told his oldest daughter, "I didn`t hear anything from you..." She said, "That`s because you taught me not to talk with my mouth full."

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生命之棒

生命之棒

神父与修女骑着骆驼在沙漠中受困…….

修女：「father，天主要放弃我们了吗？」

神父：「Sister，不可无礼，这是我们快要见到天主的喜讯。」

修女：「唉，father，不瞒你说，我这几年来一直未能控制住自己的七情六欲，在生命终结之前，我想实现多年来的一个心愿....」

神父：「Sister，甚么心愿？我如果能帮忙的话一定帮你实现....」

修女：「father，我可以跟你『那个』吗？我想体会一下传说中的美妙感觉....」

神父：「Sister你....你....好吧！莫名奇妙遇到这种浩劫，我也不管那么多了，我们开始吧！」

...两人开始宽衣解带....

修女惊叹地说：「father，那是甚么？」

神父：「Sister，这是天地间最神奇的『生命之棒』，只要把这东西放在你体内，就会有生命了！」

修女：「father，你太不够意思了，有这么好的东西为甚么不早说？你赶快把那只骆驼救活吧！！！」

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The Korean War Is Over

The Korean War Is Over

My husband's brother-in-law,Joseph,an American real estate agent,came to China for a short visit to our city.To show hospitality at the welcoming dinner party,Mr.Sun,the host,entertained Joseph with Chinese wine,saying,"According to our custom,a brother-in-law coming to his wife's native country for the first time must drink three cups of wine."Joseph declined the offer by saying,"Thank you,but I can't drink even one drop." "Then our dinner won't be over without your drinking at least one cup,"insisted Mr. Sun. To this,Joseph responded,"The Korean War is over,Don't attack the Americans any more."

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Time Is Money

Time Is Money

As the taxi came to a screeching halt at a traffic light,I asked the driver,"Do you agree that 'Time is money'?" "Well,it's a very common saying.Who will care so much about that?"the driver answered . "Look,the digits in the meter are still running when the car has stopped,"I pointed at the meter. "Oh.yes.You've got a point here,In this case,time is money for both of us,"added the driver.

不入虎穴焉得虎子

不入虎穴焉得虎子某日，一位名闻全国的补教界英语名师在课堂上夸下海口:凭我的造诣，没有什麽成语不 知道的，就连中国成语也难不倒我!! 於是同学纷纷发问...... 甲:Peoplemountainpeoplesea!师:小case,人山人海! 乙:Threehearttwomeaning!师:简单,三心二意! 丙:Lookthroughautumnwater!师:难不倒我,望穿秋水! 丁:Bluewhosayandthewho"s! 师:...........嗯..........这个..........我想.....(过了十分钟) 师不好意思的说:真的被你们考倒了，这句是什麽意思啊? 丁生很得意得说:哈!是不入虎穴焉得虎子啦!!

Marriage Arranged by an Unborn Baby

The other day a Chinese told me that to go with the traditional custom,one's marriage has to be decided by his or her parents and that accordingly,her mother's marriage was arranged by her grandparents,but her sister has broken the tradition. "How?"I asked. "Her marriage was arranged by her unborn baby." "What do you mean?"I was puzzled. "She had to get married because of her premarital pregnancy,"She explained in embarrassment.

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